Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking about my new life as a mommy. And although my life is filled with immense joy and meaning, I am also plagued by different fears–as all new mommies are, I’m sure. My fears run the gamut from silliness to more profound worries. From fearing that I will never wear anything other than leggings again or dodging my child’s projectile poops if I change her at the wrong time, to asking myself if I’m a good mommy. I plan on making a series of posts, exploring these fears, not to meditate on them, but to work to move past them (though I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my fear of being peed on, ha).
I worry that…I am not appreciating these days enough.
In my sleep deprived state, I often find myself wishing that Ava were older–at least a toddler so that I could talk with her and find out what she needs (instead of my guessing game that I play daily each time Ava cries). But as she grows dramatically each day, I’m starting to realize how fleeting these beginning weeks are and I worry that I’m not appreciating them enough. I often get so caught up in the negative that I am letting some of the most cuddly days pass me by. She is growing so fast. I have a whole box of newborn sized clothes that she no longer fits. My little six (almost seven) week old has exposed my fear of not appreciating living in the now. My lack of being able to live in the moment has been a weakness of mine since I was a little girl. In the winter, I’d be picking out my bathing suits. In the summer, I would plan my back to school outfit. My parents would joke that I’d always be six months ahead.
This needs to stop.
These early days with Ava are precious, despite the cries and never ending poopy diapers. Her smile and the feel of her warm body on my chest can light up my heart. Her glance up at my face while nursing can instantly bring me joy. Watching tiny milestones–like beginning to reach for my face, lifting her head, making coos that will soon turn into words–it is all so amazing and surreal. I am trying so hard to soak up each moment.
So my advice to new mommies (including myself) is to live each day, one by one, breathing though each moment and reveling in the joy that Your new baby brings you.
Some of these moments may seem silly to some, but they are huge to me and I am so overjoyed that I am home with her to witness them all.